


Not Like This

by lizzybennettdarcy



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-07-27 15:58:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7624861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizzybennettdarcy/pseuds/lizzybennettdarcy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rachel Puckerman had never expected to become a single mother. And she definitely hadn't planned on being a widow. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Noah was supposed to be beside her, pushing the sweaty hair off of her forehead and out of her eyes. She was surrounded by friends. But she'd never felt more alone. REPOST From Fanfiction.net</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Joy

**Author's Note:**

> This happened because I was watching HIMYM (right after Marvin was born) and then We Bought A Zoo. And somehow this is what came of it. I doubt it will be very long, but I have a rough idea. Anyways, let me know if you're interested in reading more of this or if it's rubbish.
> 
> Disclaimer - I have never been pregnant/given birth, so all descriptions are based on TV, books etc. This one is rated A for Angst.
> 
> Enjoy!

It wasn't supposed to be like this. There had been a plan, several in fact. There had been a white dress and a happily ever after. There had been love and life and so much happiness. It was never supposed to happen like this. Nowhere in their plans did they allow for _this_ as a possibility.

"Araaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghannnnnnnnnnnahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Rachel screamed as agony ripped through her. Her fists were balled at her side and her teeth were gritted against the pain.

"Come on, Sweetie. Push. I know it hurts." Santana encouraged from somewhere beside her. Quinn was rubbing her shoulder and Blaine was gripping her hand. Instead she focused on the doctor sitting between her legs.

Another scream ripped its way up her throat as she fought through the worst pain she'd ever felt.

"Rachel, _Rachel,_ you need to push. I know this is hard. And I know that this isn't the way you imagined things but-"

"But he was supposed to be here!" Thick tears of heartbreak rolled down her red cheeks as the pain seemed to double. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Rachel Puckerman wasn't supposed to be a single mother. She certainly had never dreamed she'd be a widow.

"I can't _do_ this!" Rachel screamed at the top of her lungs. "I can't do it without him. I don't want to! Don't make me!"

Her friends were all talking over each other in their efforts to console her. But it was all white noise. Everything was white noise and agony.

"That's enough!" Sebastian bellowed through the din and her eyes found him at her side. She didn't remember him being there but it made sense. If Noah Puckerman couldn't be here, then hell couldn't keep his best friend from her side.

"Seb!" She blubbered, reaching out to grasp the front of his button down shirt. "Seb, it hurts. Make it stop. Please make it stop."

She held his gaze as he stepped closer and cupped her cheek. "Rachel Barbra Puckerman. I know that your heart is broken. We're all broken." She watched as a lone tear rolled down his cheek. "I didn't think any of us would survive without him." His jaw tightened as he fought for control. "I'm still not sure we'll survive it. I can't promise you that everything will be okay. Noah was the best person I knew."

"I c-can't do this without h-him!" She wailed.

Sebastian's tears overflowed and he rested his forehead against hers. "I know, Babe. I know. I miss him too."

Rachel sobbed. "Sometimes I wake up and find myself reaching for him. Sometimes I forget. Seb, Seb. I don't know what to do!"

Sebastian's tears mingled with her own as he fought for control. "Yes, yes you do. You need to take a deep breath. Then you need to push. Push harder than you think you can. You fight and you bring that beautiful baby Puckerman into the world. And whenever you look at your child, you'll see Noah. And it will break your heart every time. But it will also heal you." He pressed his lips against her sweaty forehead. "I know that I'm asking too much. But you need to push."

Rachel shook her head furiously. "But it hurts."

"We're here. Babe, we're here."

Rachel nodded. She took several deep breaths and then lurched forwards. She screamed as she pushed. She half-listened to the doctor who was giving her instructions. Her friends' encouragement fell upon deaf ears. She loved them for being there. And she couldn't have made it this far without them.

But she'd never felt more alone.

She had been dreaming about this day for years. She had always thought she'd like being a mother. But it wasn't until she fell in love with Noah completely that she decided she desperately wanted to have his children. Perhaps that's why she'd never been sure. When she'd considered a family with her previous boyfriends, it had always been too complicated. With Finn she had worried that children would mean settling down in Lima and watching as her dreams ran away from her. With Jesse she had imagined unhappy children being raised by nannies while their parents sought fame above all else. By the time she'd dated Brody she'd given up on the idea of children altogether.

But then Noah Puckerman had stolen her heart. He'd always had part of it. When he'd finally made a move they'd fallen headfirst into forever and never looked back.

But they didn't have forever. He didn't have enough time.

Another wave of tears flooded her cheeks as she continued to push. "I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I miissssssssssssssssssss himmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

"One more good push, Mrs. Puckerman! I can see the crown."

He wasn't here. He wasn't here to hold her hand and cry with her. He wasn't here to assure her of how much he loved her. He wasn't here to push the sweaty hair off of her forehead and out of her eyes. He wasn't here. He wasn't here and he'd promised.

Rachel closed her eyes and fought to remember the last time she'd seen Noah.

_It was a beautiful day and the sun was flooding the streets of New York. Rachel bit her lip as she gazed down at her husband._

" _God you're beautiful. I can't believe how beautiful you are." He breathed before reaching up to cup her cheek. He pulled her forward and caught her in his arms as she fell off the step. His mouth covered hers and she melted against him. "I love you" He mumbled against her lips. "I love you and I promise I'll be home in a few months."_

_He placed her back on the step outside their home and leaned down to kiss her belly. She was barely beginning to show but he swore she'd never been more beautiful._

" _I love you, Baby." He promised._

" _I love you, Noah."_

She focused on the memory of his face and gave one final push. The most beautiful sound broke through the haze and the pain. Moments later the loveliest, tiniest, little creature was placed against her chest. As her eyes settled upon her daughter, a smile crossed her lips for the very first time in three months.

"She's beautiful." She sighed.

"She's the perfect combination of you and Noah, Rach." Sebastian told her tearfully.

"She has his eyes, Seb. He should be here." Tears rolled unnoticed down her cheeks as she admired every inch of her daughter.

Sebastian leaned against the bed as they gazed at the beautiful baby. "Look at her little hands." Sebastian commented as he touched her tiny little fingers. He leaned his head against Rachel's. "I promise I'll be here every step of the way. You're family."

Rachel nodded.

"Do you want me to go get the others?"

Rachel finally looked away from her daughter and glanced around the now-empty room. "Where did everyone go?"

Sebastian managed a chuckle. "I kicked them all out. They meant well but it was obviously too much for you."

She squeezed his hand in thanks.

"I'll give you two a minute." He pressed his lips against her hair and left her alone for the first time as a mother.

Rachel sniffled as her daughter blinked up at her. "You are so beautiful, little girl. You're the most amazing little thing I've ever seen." Rachel choked on her words. "It's just me, sweetheart. I'm sorry. I wish you could have met your daddy. He was-" she paused as one of her tears hit her daughter's forehead. "He was the kindest, funniest, most loving person I ever knew and I will love you enough for the both of us."

She hummed softly as she waited for her friends to arrive. She hadn't believed it was possible. She didn't think she would survive without him but she was so in love with her daughter already. How was it possible to be both heartbroken and full of joy?

The door opened and her friends flooded in. She grinned up at Sam, Quinn, Santana, Brittany, Blaine and Sebastian as they all fussed over their newest addition. "Baby, this is your family. Guys, this is Caroline Joy Puckerman."

She caught Sebastian's gaze from across the room and nodded. They were going to survive.

But there wouldn't be a minute in the future where they wouldn't wish Noah was there with them.

* * *

Across the world in a dingy motel room, a young man opened his eyes. He stared up at the stained ceiling, alert and anxious. His ears strained to hear the argument of a man and woman a few doors down the hall. His nose picked up on the faded scent of anti-septic cleaner. Once he was sure that he was alone, he tilted his head to the side and surveyed his surroundings. The room was dank and _just_ passed for clean. There were no decorations and the walls were a gross yellow. He was lying on a bed 4 ½ feet exactly from the door. A light flickered in the bathroom beside the door. The chain was thrown on the door. He moved to a seated position and placed his feet on the tile floor.

The argument moved towards his door and past it before the couple moved to the stairwell. They weren't yelling in English.

After a few moments he moved from the bed and picked up the worn black wallet on the table by the door. Inside it he found only $35 American and a photo. His thumb traced over the picture of a beautiful brunette. She had deep, chocolate eyes and a strong nose. Her lips were red and full as she grinned for the camera.

A growl of frustration echoed through the room and he punched the wall.

How was it that he knew the exact measurements in his room and his pulse without checking? But he carried a photo of a woman he didn't know. And he had no idea who he was.

All he had was some cash and a picture of a beautiful woman. He didn't even have a name.


	2. Elusive

He picked up the battered guitar and began to play. It was instinctive. The melody filled the room as his hands moved expertly, lovingly, along the fret. There was something sweet just out of reach as the music morphed into something softer, slower. He strained and he could _just_ hear a woman singing along. Her tone was rich and her voice was perfection. He concentrated, trying to remember, but all he had was the sweetest soloist backing him up, invisible but so real that he could almost see her. Each night he would dream of the woman in his picture. He wondered if it was her who was singing softly along in his mind. He knew he'd dream of her tonight. The only clarity he could find came in dreams. In his dreams he was surrounded, always by family and friends. Though her face was the only one he could ever make out. Sometimes voices filtered through but never faces. In his dreams he affectionately called one of the faceless friends 'Bas. And he often called out for a 'Beth'. But he knew, somehow, that the Angel was not Beth. Beth was important, infinitely so, but she wasn't the Angel that haunted him.

He glanced up at his surroundings and noticed that the patrons of the bar seemed awed by the American who had wandered up to the stage and began playing a discarded guitar. He was American. Of that he was absolutely sure. He had a plan. But first he needed to make enough money to smuggle himself out of this place into a country that had an American consulate.

He'd spent the last five weeks working odd jobs around the village. Repairing broken down vehicles and labouring out in the fields. Even without his memories he knew that there were no similarities between the world he found himself in and the one he'd for some reason left behind.

So he would continue to work, continue to search for his elusive memories. Then he would seek the truth. He was military. He had known that upon waking up in his motel room. From his posture to his instincts, he knew he must be American military. He just needed to get to a consulate. They would take care of him.

* * *

Rachel swayed back and forth, humming her favourite lullaby to the sleepy infant in her arms. She pressed a kiss against her daughter's light dusting of dark curls. Caroline was the most beautiful creature that had ever lived. It had been 31 days since they'd arrived home from the hospital and each hour Rachel discovered new reasons to adore little Caroline. The ache in her chest hadn't let up even for just a moment, but she was learning to live through it. Caroline was always going to have Noah's deep hazel eyes and unruly curls. And for that Rachel was both saddened and grateful. She struggled with the pain of being constantly reminded of Noah, but she was relieved that she'd never quite lose the memory of him.

Her eyes wandered around the room and tears pricked her eyes. Noah had worked so hard on this room before he'd been deployed. He'd been so excited about becoming a father again and he'd decided to go all in. He had only been given sporadic visitations with Beth over the years and Rachel knew just how ecstatic Noah was about his second child. He had built Caroline's crib and the wood detailing was exquisite. He'd painted the walls a light golden hue, then scripted lyrics everywhere. All of the little details he'd put into the room caught her attention now. The pictures he'd chosen so carefully for Caroline's mobile. The lyrics that he'd written for his child etched into the top rail of her crib. The model '67 Impala on the shelf next to Rachel's Tony and T.A.R.D.I.S. from Sam. Because Noah had demanded that their child grow up knowing the wonders of Supernatural and Sam had promised to train their child in all things dorky.

Caroline snuggled further into her mother's shoulder and her little fingers grasped Rachel's night gown. Rachel closed her eyes and allowed her daughter to anchor her. She was so good at that. Whenever Rachel found her thoughts and her heart wandering to war-torn countries, Caroline drew her back to the present and to her new reality. She was a widow and a mother.

The squeak of a floorboard alerted her to her not being alone and she glanced up to see Sebastian leaning against the doorway. He smiled softly with sad eyes. A fresh wave of tears threatened as she watched her husband's best friend and her daughter's Godfather. No one had been left untouched by Noah's death, but the two of them felt it most keenly. Gone was the laughing, trouble-making, snide man who Noah had loved so dearly. She hoped that someday, perhaps when Caroline was a bit older, that Sebastian would begin to enjoy life again. The somber, tender man before her had been a lifesaver. She would not have survived Noah's death and Caroline's first month without him, but she missed Noah's Sebastian.

"How was your date, Seb?" She asked quietly, shifting Caroline gently.

He shrugged his shoulders and moved to sit on the floor against the wall. She joined him and pressed her shoulder against his. They sat in contemplative silence for a small eternity.

"Blaine and Kurt broke up again." She replied eventually, though with great care. The two of them broke up with greater frequency than she and Finn had done over the years.

Sebastian shrugged again and Rachel decided to drop it. He was no longer the man that Blaine wanted, of that he was sure. The two of them had been together for a few months before Noah's death and they'd been truly happy. But everything had changed when her husband had died. Sebastian had lost himself, even as he held her up. So he'd ended things with Blaine and Kurt had swooped in as he always did, somehow aware of the breakup before anyone else.

Her upper lip twitched and she sighed. It was hard to remember a time where she and Kurt had been friends. She tried not to think of him with such malice but he'd been so awful about Noah over the years. And that was unforgiveable, especially now that Noah wasn't here.

"Did she wake you?" Sebastian asked, noting the late hour on his watch.

She shook her head. "I woke her."

She didn't need to explain. She knew that he snuck in here and watched Caroline sleep as much as Rachel did. She was the calming axis upon which their turbulent world now spun. He knew that Rachel found her bed too big and too cold without her husband. Just as she knew that the guest bedroom still didn't feel like his despite having moved in the day of Caroline's birth.

Sebastian sighed heavily, wearily. "I miss him."

Rachel nodded and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Always."

As the makeshift family leaned against each other, their tears fell and mingled. And Caroline Puckerman slept soundly through it all.


	3. Then

_Then : Rachel_

* * *

It had been a day like any other. She had been out shopping with Quinn and Sam all day. Quinn had helped her with finding maternity clothes that didn't make her feel like a cow and Sam had enthusiastically tagged along to pick out as many dorky outfits for his niece. They'd laughed and cried over the sweet little outfits in the baby store and then headed back to her apartment. Sebastian had been there, insisting on cooking a big healthy meal for them all after such a big day of shopping. His tone had been endearingly snide in a way that only his and Noah's ever was. Blaine had just arrived with dessert when the doorbell had rung. Blaine had opened the door and as all of her friends had turned to stare at her in horror, time had just stopped.

It seemed strange now that Rachel remembered every detail leading up to that moment in perfect clarity. She remembered the colour of the onesie that Sam had sniffled over first (aquamarine) and the exact price of the maternity leggings Quinn had insisted she buy one of in every shade ($21.97). The pasta that Sebastian had cooked had too much pepper in it, the way she'd always loved it but she hadn't enjoyed it because apparently the baby preferred bland foods at that stage of the pregnancy. She remembered that Blaine was wearing the cologne that Noah had bought him for his birthday the previous year and that he'd been looking at Sebastian like maybe he'd finally made up his mind about where he wanted to be.

But as the two Marines stepped into her apartment in their resplendent uniforms and began speaking, time seemed to fade in and out. She remembers a hand in her own, the callouses there familiar and strong, reminding her at once of Noah but belonging to Sam. The words spoken were delivered brokenly, or perhaps she just received them that way.

" _Corporal Noah Puckerman…special mission…under attack…in action…good man…we're sorry Mrs. Puckerman."_

Everything had shattered around her. Blaine had spoken with the Marines and made the arrangements. The following week was a rush of doctor's appointments and condolences. And suddenly she was sitting in a military graveyard next to an empty coffin because there had been no body. And she was being handed a flag.

A flag in exchange for the empty coffin and future without her husband. Sam held her hand as they lowered the coffin and Sebastian wrapped his arm tightly around her shoulder. Her child kicked mightily in her belly at the injustice of it all.

And Rachel broke.

* * *

_Then : Noah_

* * *

Corporal Noah Puckerman swiped a hand over his forehead through the sweaty grime that covered his face. The cover of night was fading into the pre-morning haze of dawn. The mission had gone sideways 3 hours ago, leaving them exposed in a country where friendlies were few and havens were fewer. They'd missed their extraction and all communication had been cut off. His team had become separated from Corporal Celso's during the firestorm and Noah could only hope that her team had made it to the extraction.

His team had been stationed in Turkey for the last month training for this mission. An up and coming terror organization had come out of nowhere and all intel pointed to major players coming out of both Iran and Syria.

Noah's team and Celso's team had been dropped into the Qom Province of Iran by parachute at 1900 hours, just after darkness had fallen. Their mission had been to close in on the location provided by trusted intel. One of the leaders of the ever-growing terror network was in town and they needed to grab him before he moved on.

They were already in the building when Noah realized that it was a trap. One of Celso's men, Cafferty, had taken a bullet to the shoulder before the teams pulled back into a defensive stance and returned fire. They were heavily outnumbered. The Marines had only sent in 2 teams of four. More than 40 men waited for them at the stronghold.

Somehow Noah managed to get his team out of there with no casualties, though Jensen had a hole clear through her upper thigh that was bleeding profusely. Celso had lost one man in the melee before they'd separated.

Seven hours later and his team was running out of steam. Brown was half-carrying Jensen and Winchester had lost his helmet at some point. They were sitting ducks once the sun fully rose. They had been jogging north towards the Iranian coast of the Caspian Sea. It was the agreed upon backup plan, though Noah didn't particularly like the idea of trusting in the Russians they might encounter once they get there. Politically, the States weren't in a great place with anyone over here at the moment. But Baghdad was just too far away and their enemies would be watching the Turkish border for their return.

By Noah's best estimate they had covered about 30 miles. As dawn threatened to break, his team took cover in an empty home in a village that had been left vacant long ago. He and Winchester cleared the building and then the village, looking for supplies as Brown started to work on Jensen's leg. He ordered his team to take turns resting up because the moment the sun set, they'd be jogging forward once more.

Their progress was slowed by having to take turns carrying Jensen. There was no offer to leave her behind. She knew better.

On their fourth day of jogging, Noah estimated they would reach the banks of the sea. Around noon his team began smelling the salt on the air. They picked up their pace. The sun was high in the sky when they lay against a hill and scouted the area. Jensen viewed the village through her scope and called out what she saw. There was little activity save for the first wave of boats coming in with the day's catch.

They had just crested the hill when the gentle sound of waves was replaced by gunfire and screams. Noah began calling out orders to his team as they dropped behind a rock wall. He tried to find his bearings and figure out where their enemies had hidden themselves.

"This is why it was so quiet on the way here." Winchester shouted over the gunfire.

Noah nodded grimly. They'd all thought it, but no one had mentioned the lack of attack. Jensen had her scope poked between some rocks in the wall and was trying to find their attackers. Her warning came too late. The telltale whistle was already in their ears as she screamed "RPG! RPG!"

He yelled for his team to fall back but the explosion had already hit them. His world was smoke and fire and pain as he and his teammates were thrown backwards. He thought of Rachel and their child and then he heard the sickening crunch of his skull against rock.

Everything went black.


	4. Family

Rachel swayed through the room with an angel in her arms. The music playing quietly through the speakers reminded her of easier times but brought tears less frequently these days. Caroline cooed happily in her Mother’s arms as they danced through the living room and Sebastian smiled at the moment of joy. He pulled out his phone from his back pocket and snapped a few covert pictures of the candid moment between the strongest woman he’d ever known and the beautiful little gift they all cherished so much. Caroline had certainly lived up to her middle name. Though wide smiles had been few outside of her company, the little girl was always surrounded by joy.

Sebastian was startled out of his musings when the doorbell rang. Rachel glanced his way and gave him a small smile. “Could you get it, Seb?” She whispered. She glanced down at her daughter and Sebastian noticed that Caroline was now napping in Rachel’s arms. He nodded with a smile and dropped a kiss to both of their foreheads, careful not to wake the sleeping enfant. He made his way to the door and opened it without checking the peephole.

“Hey, Seb.” Blaine greeted him warmly with a smile after several moments of Sebastian staring at him. “Can I come in? It’s raining out here.”

Sebastian looked around him and realized that the man was in fact standing out in the rain and ushered him inside the house. He closed the door behind him and noticed that Rachel had made herself scarce at the arrival of his ex. _Stop being paranoid, Smythe. She’s probably putting the kid down._

He turned to face Blaine who was drying his hair with a towel he must have grabbed from the lower bathroom while Sebastian had been _melting down_. Damn it. Blaine shot him a knowing smile and draped the towel around his shoulders. His hair was starting to curl from the humidity and rain. Sebastian had always loved it when his hair curled.

“What are you doing here, Blaine?” Sebastian fought to keep accusation out of his tone, but it was a damn close thing.

Blaine smiled and Sebastian knew he’d been caught. Blaine knew him well. The only one who’d ever known him better was…

He sighed and gestured to the couch. The two of them sat down and Sebastian left plenty of space between them.

“How are you doing?” Blaine asked, trying to catch his eye.

Sebastian stared at the sock he was pulling threads out of. “I’m fine.”

A warm hand entered his field of vision and covered his own. Blaine waited patiently until Sebastian had taken a few breaths and was looking him in the eye. “You aren’t fine. And you don’t have to tell me everything, or even anything, Sebastian. But please don’t lie either. You are allowed to not be okay. Noah was your best friend.”

He was angry and he was upset and he wanted to lash out. That right there was why he and Noah had gotten each other so completely. Instead he sat there for a few moments and let Blaine’s warm hand heat him up from the outside in. It had been a long time since he had felt anything like it.

“I can’t talk about it.” He replied finally.

Blaine’s thumb rubbed against his knuckles and Sebastian sighed at the contact. “Then don’t.”

They sat there in silence for several moments. But the guilt began to creep up. He pulled his hand away and he looked away from Blaine. “Why are you here, Blaine?”

Blaine didn’t answer until he had Sebastian’s full attention again. “I know that your heart broke when Noah died.” Sebastian’s mouth twisted but Blaine pushed on. “When things ended, I hurt you by going back to Kurt for a while but that’s done. I’m done. It’s you, Seb. Only you. I know that you aren’t the same man that you were when he was alive. But I love you just the same. And I’m always going to.”

Sebastian pulled as far away from Blaine as the couch would allow. “You don’t know me anymore.”

Blaine’s eyes were calm and steady. “Then let me know you, Sebastian.”

Sebastian jumped up from the couch and started pacing.

“I know that it feels like you died with him. And that it feels unfair for you to be happy when he lost his happily ever after with Rachel and Caroline.” Blaine told him and it hit Sebastian square in the chest just how right he is.

“My place is here now, Blaine.” Sebastian replied immediately.

Blaine slowly unfolded himself from the couch and moved to stand in his way. Sebastian stopped abruptly and Blaine’s hands cupped his cheeks. “I know that. Rachel and Caroline are your family. But they’re mine too, Seb. Not in the same way but maybe you can make space for me too. Because I love you and I always will.” His thumbs caught the tears falling from Sebastian’s eyes. “You aren’t ready for that right now. But someday you will be. For right now will you just let me back in? I know you could use someone to talk to. For right now will you just let me be your friend?”

Sebastian stared at the sincerity in Blaine’s eyes and nodded mutely. He allowed Blaine to fold him into his arms and cried into the smaller man’s neck. For the first time in a long while he felt safe.

Rachel sat against the wall in the next room and smiled into her daughter’s sweet-smelling hair. Tears dripped down her face as she listened to Blaine comfort and take care of her best friend.

She had known that calling Blaine and inviting him over was the right thing to do. It’s what Noah would have done.

* * *

 

His name was Noah. He’d remembered that a few weeks back. He’d been dealing with a man about a boat ride to a military base and the man had asked for a name. The first name that had come to him had been Sebastian, which is the one he’d given the man. But a few moments after that he’d known without a doubt that his own name was Noah.

Bits and pieces of his memory had started flitting back as if parts of a dream. More frustratingly, he knew unimportant facts such as battle tactics and the capitals of every foreign country. Actually those _had_ come in handy. It had become clear about two months into his ‘travels’ as he had taken to calling them, that he needed to be as incognito as possible. Not easy for a young, white American in Syria and Iran. His skillset had come in handy and he’d been able to keep a mostly low profile for the past month or so.

As for personal memories, he knew his name was Noah and that for some reason he’d been known as Puck for some time. Perhaps he’d played hockey, though that didn’t feel like the case. Sebastian had to be the ‘Bas he sometimes caught glimpses of in his memories.

He had a wife. The beautiful woman from the picture, the one who sang like an Angel. He called her Berry. They had history. A long history. They lived in a big city he thought, but sometimes he caught glimpses of small-town USA.

There were others, nameless people whose faces popped into his thoughts and dreams but only one of them had a name; Beth. His daughter he thought.

And Berry, there was a memory, perhaps the clearest one he had of her standing on the steps of a beautiful brownstone and him kissing her belly while he stood below her in uniform. So maybe he had more than one child.

He had to get home.  

 

 


	5. Noah Puckerman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel and Caroline celebrate a birthday with friends. And our lost soldier begins to remember.

Rachel moved around the kitchen of her home with her daughter in one arm. She refilled bowls of chips and stirred a bowl of punch, trying to keep herself busy. Caroline began to whine and Rachel adjusted the soother in her mouth, calming the baby instantly. Rachel reached for a carrot stick and leaned back against the counter, munching on it unhappily.

“You could have said no.” Quinn told her, as she walked into the kitchen and found Rachel staring off into space. “It is _your_ birthday after all.”

Rachel blinked and looked over at her friend. It hadn’t been easy on Quinn either. She knew that. Noah and Quinn shared a child together and even though the circumstances were complicated, there was love there of a sort. “Hey, Quinn.” She looked around the kitchen at all of the snacks she’d prepared. “I know I could have said no but,” She shrugged, careful not to dislodge Caroline from her shoulder. “It’s the first birthday that Caroline is around to celebrate and Noah would have wanted us to see more of each other.”

Quinn nodded and stepped closer. She raised her hand to Caroline’s head and ran her fingers through the little girl’s dark curls. “You’re right about that. We’re his family and he’d want all us together to celebrate you today.” She shared a smile with Rachel. “I noticed that Blaine and Sebastian are closer again. I imagine you had something to do with that?” She raised an eyebrow in question.

Rachel laughed quietly. “I’m not telling.”

The two of them craned their necks to look into the living room where the two men were chatting, very much standing in each other’s space. They giggled and ducked back into the kitchen.

“I’m glad. They’re so good together.” Quinn dropped a kiss to Caroline’s curls and put her hand on Rachel’s arm. “How are you, Rachel?”

Rachel considered brushing the question off. She’d done it a hundred times in the past six months. But it was her birthday and Quinn understood her a little bit better than the others.

“I’m tired. Being a mom is amazing but it’s also exhausting and I-“ She buried her face in Caroline’s hair to hide her tears. “I never expected to do it without Noah.”

She felt Quinn wrap her up in a hug with Caroline nestled between the two of them and she settled into it. She missed being held.

She missed Noah.

* * *

Noah sat in a nondescript military tent waiting for someone in charge. When he walked up to the military standpoint he was greeted first with suspicion and then with excitement. He’d talked to one person and now he was here waiting for something to happen.

He couldn’t help but feel annoyed. He’d been in constant danger for months now. He might not be able to remember the details of why he was in the middle of the Syrian conflict but he knew that he shouldn’t be there. The whole time he’d been headed here, there had been rumours about him. He’d heard about a bounty on the lone American soldier. He didn’t know what he’d done but he was happy to be out of danger.

But now he wanted to go home. He might not remember the name of his wife or exactly where home was but what was taking so long anyways?

The door opened and an older woman walked in. A memory of her barking orders accompanied her entrance and he was comforted. She knew him, or at least she had.

“Corporal Puckerman, it’s good to see you, Son.” The smile on her face was genuine and he smiled back.

Puckerman, that explained the dumb nickname.

“I’m sorry Ma’am, I don’t remember your name. I actually don’t remember a lot of things.” He saw her frowning and nodding over at the camera in the corner of the room. “Some things have come back to me on my way here, like my training but I’m mostly in the dark.”

Moments later he was sitting in the med tent undergoing a full physical and x-rays. After this he was lead back to the tent where he met again with Sergeant Major Horton. She was looking through the medical file she’d been given while he’d showered and changed into clean clothes.

“You suffered a severe concussion which explains the memory loss. Our field doctor believes that the memories filtering back in are a good sign and you will likely regain most if not all of your memory. We need to fill you in on your mission and find out where you’ve been since.” Horton told him.

“What about my family?” Noah asked.

Horton smiled. “We will fly you stateside once you’ve been debriefed and honourably discharged.”

 

 


	6. Familiar Faces

Sebastian and Blaine wrestled the large spruce tree through the front door and stood panting just inside the doorframe. Blaine left Sebastian holding the tree and ran over to the place by the hearth and set up the tree stand. He helped Sebastian carry the tree across the living room and after much fight, the tree settled into the stand. Sebastian grabbed some water for the base and Blaine went to find the vacuum cleaner.

“No, no. Let me do that. You have an evening show to get to.” Sebastian insisted, pulling the vacuum out of Blaine’s hand.

Blaine smiled and let the vacuum go. “You’re right. Well good luck cleaning up. I should get going. Give Caroline and Rachel a kiss for me when they get home from shopping.”

Sebastian nodded and he leaned forward, brushing his lips against Blaine’s without thought. The smaller man was frozen beneath him for a moment before he kissed him back. It took a few moments before Sebastian realised what he had done and he pulled back. Blaine grinned up at him and tweaked his nose. “Don’t overthink it, Seb.”

Sebastian stared after Blaine as he walked out the door. He stood there for longer than he’d like to admit before remembering he needed to vacuum the needles up before Rachel and Caroline got back. He didn’t want Caroline to eat any of them or God forbid, poke herself in the eye with any of them. She was getting more curious by the moment. Dangerous little monsters, kids were.

The vacuum was a loud one so he couldn’t be blamed for not hearing the knock at the door. Or the second one. But he heard the doorbell and he turned off the vacuum and put it up against the wall before turning towards the door. He pushed his winter boots to the side with his foot and threw open the door. A gush of cold wind ruffled his hair as he stared at the man who’d rung the doorbell.

“Hey ‘Bas.”

GJSKLF

Noah didn’t think he’d ever been so nervous in his whole life. Not that he had a whole lot of backstory to reference. He thought it was possible that he’d been nervous to graduate or when his daughter had been born or when he’d asked his wife to marry him.

But coming back from the dead after 7 months had to take the cake right? He had asked that they not call ahead. He had needed to do this on his own and he’d been afraid of some party waiting for him. A room full of people he didn’t remember or know anymore was too much to imagine. But now that he was driving up towards the house he barely remembered in a car with a soldier he’d apparently ‘died’ for, he felt like vomiting.

“Sir?” Jensen’s voice startled him out of his thoughts. He looked up at the woman beside him and he stared at her. There was a diagonal scar across her cheek and she’d spent several months in rehab trying to regain the use of her leg but the only casualty from his team that day had been him, until now. “Your family is waiting for you.”

And all of a sudden he wasn’t nervous anymore. Because his family was on the other side of that door. All he had to do was get out of this car, walk up those steps and knock on that door.

Technically he slipped on the steps, _twice_ , but damn it was winter and _icy._ And then he knocked, _twice_ and no one answered. His optimism was starting to slip when he finally rang the doorbell. The distant sound of a machine cut out and footsteps approached the door. He held his breath and the door flung wide. A grin spread across his cheeks as he stared back at his best friend.

“Hey ‘Bas.”

His friend continued to stare at him, tears pearling in his eyes and falling down his cheeks. “No, you died.” Bas accused, taking a step back. He rubbed his eyes and shook his head and Noah nodded.

“I’m sorry, ‘Bas. I can’t even imagine.” Noah told him following him inside as his friend backed away from him. “But I’m here and I’m fine, I promise. My head’s a bit bumped up but my memories are coming back and oomph!” He was almost knocked off his feet as Sebastian threw himself at him. He wrapped his arms around his best friend as he broke.

“We lost you, you were gone. I never thought I’d see you again.” Bas mumbled into his shoulder.

Noah listened and held him tight as he looked around the living room, memories filling the space of his life here. “I’m sorry, ‘Bas. I am.”

Sebastian pulled back slightly, looking him in the face. “But you’re okay? You said you didn’t have all your memories.”

Noah shrugged. “I hit my head pretty badly in an RPG attack, woke up halfway across the country. They don’t think I’ll get some of that time back. But the rest of it seems to be coming back in bits and pieces. I’m really here, ‘Bas. I promise.”

Noah’s eyes wandered around the room once more before falling on a picture of a wedding picture. Sebastian stepped away and followed his gaze. Noah walked away from him and picked up the picture. He didn’t think he’d ever seen two people more in love.

“Where is she?” He asked gruffly.

Bas swallowed thickly. “Shopping, Christmas shopping.”

Noah looked up and finally noticed the tree in the room and the decorations on the floor beside it. “What’s the date?”

Bas grinned. “Hannukah starts tomorrow, Noah.”

Noah opened his mouth to say something but the front door opened and both of them turned towards it. The most beautiful woman he’d ever seen marched through the door with an arm full of bags and a baby in the other. She turned to bump the door closed with her hip. “Seb! You should see the mall! I’m so happy that most of my shopping could be done downtown and-“ Her words trailed off as she walked into the living room and saw her husband standing next to the Christmas tree.

The bags dropped from her arm and her child began to cry. “Noah?” She whispered.

Noah’s shoulders relaxed for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. “Rachel.”

 


	7. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note. A guest was displeased that I had written the family having a Christmas tree. I understand that Noah and Rachel are Jewish, but in the series both have played a bit fast and loose with the rules around their faith and culture (depending on what the plot needed/the whims of the writers.) Rachel buying a Christmas tree with Finn for example. Not only this but Sebastian was living with Rachel and would perhaps like to have a Christmas tree there.   
> My choice to have a tree and decorations was not a slight to Hanukkah customs nor a mistake. Rachel seems to celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas. 
> 
> Without further ado, here is the final chapter.

Sebastian hurried over to grab the bags that had fallen at Rachel’s feet and to steady her as she was swaying on her feet.

“Would you like me to take her?” He asked and she snapped out of her daze and stared into Seb’s eyes. He looked so happy. Happier than she’d seen him in months.

It was real. He was real. “No, thanks Seb.” She smiled and he kissed her forehead, carrying her things to the other room and giving them privacy.

She closed her eyes and took a few stabilizing breaths before looking back up at her husband.

“I don’t understand.” She told him. “Where have you been?

Noah’s lips twitched and his fingers itched to touch her. “It’s a very long story, but I promise I’ve been making my way back to you the whole time.”

Rachel’s eyes were wet and she looked down at her daughter who was staring up at her with Noah’s eyes. She looked away from Caroline and moved towards him. “There’s someone you should meet, Noah.”

Noah’s heart warred, wanting to reach for his wife but also desperate to hold his daughter. He reached out and ran his fingers through his daughter’s curls and a tear escaped his eyes. “She’s beautiful, Rach. God she’s perfect.”

“She looks just like you.” Rachel told him. “Has your soul too.”

Noah stared down at his wife. “Must have been a nightmare.”

Rachel blinked back tears. “You have no idea. Sometimes she was so much like you that it felt like I was losing you all over again every day. But then it was so comforting that being around her was like breathing.”

“I’m so sorry.” He promised. Rachel transferred their daughter into his arms and watched as he lifted the little girl close to his chest.

“Her name is Caroline Joy Puckerman.”

Noah closed his eyes and pressed his lips against Caroline’s little forehead. “You are the most beautiful child in the world. I’m sorry I haven’t been here but I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

He rocked her in his arms and stared into her hazel eyes, singing softly under his breath. Rachel was right about how much she looked like him. He felt his heart skip a beat as her little hand reached out and grasped his nose.

“I love you little girl.” He promised Caroline long after she’d fallen asleep in his arms.

He realized that Rachel had been quietly watching the two of them the whole time. But she’d been doing so at a distance and he still hadn’t touched her. He laid Caroline in her playpen by the tree and approached Rachel carefully. She didn’t back away from him but she was tense.

He didn’t stop moving until he was within arm’s reach. “I’m so sorry, Rachel. I can’t imagine how hard it has been for you. I’m so sorry. But I’m back. I’m not going anywhere.” A horrible thought occurred to him and he analysed the space between them. “Unless you don’t want me here.”

Rachel’s head snapped up and the fear in her eyes was very real. He moved to her quickly and cupped her cheeks as the tears fell freely. “No, please don’t cry. I’m not going anywhere. I’m just not sure what to say right now. I know you’re scared. You’ve already lost me once and you’re afraid of it happening again. But I’m not going anywhere.”

“You can’t promise that.” Rachel told him, looking at the floor. “You can’t. You’re a soldier and you can’t promise this won’t happen again.”

Noah’s thumb traced her cheek. “I’m not a soldier anymore, Berry. I was honorably discharged. Medals forthcoming I’m sure. But I’m done and they knew it. I’m here. With you and Caroline.”

“And Sebastian.” Rachel smiled. “And Blaine.”

Noah chuckled. “Sounds very Brady to me, Babe. Sounds great.” He kissed her forehead. “I’m here, I’m home. I love you.”

He watched as Rachel thought over his words and gathered her courage. He couldn’t guess at the hurt of the past several months. He knew she hadn’t been alone but he also couldn’t imagine how raising Caroline without him must have felt. He would die without her and she had survived it.

Rachel surged up in his arms and pressed her lips against his. Her body was pressed snug against his own and memories assaulted him of their life together so far. As she kissed his jaw he remembered their first date and as he nipped her ear he remembered the night be proposed. He was just rounding second base when-

“Caroline.” Rachel told him, pulling away from his mouth as their daughter wailed from her playpen.

Bas popped into the room, winked in their direction and grabbed his Goddaughter from the pen. “Hello Princess, how about me and you go out for the rest of the day? Hmm? Stay at Uncle Blaine’s?” He shot a wink their way before traipsing out of the room.

Noah raised an eyebrow at Rachel and she laughed when not a minute later he hurried through the room with Caroline bundled up for the winter with a bag full of her things over his shoulder. “Have fun catching up!” He yelled before slamming the door behind him.

“He really missed you.” Rachel told him quietly.

Noah heard the note of sadness in her voice. But there would be time for all of that later. They probably all needed therapy. But for now…

“And what about you?” He whispered, nipping her pulse point. “Did you miss me?”

Rachel gasped and smiled. “Mmhmm.”

Sebastian leaned against the front door with little Caroline in his arms and thanked a God he’d never believed in for bringing his family back together.


End file.
